If 50 is the New 30, Then Why is My Bedtime 10pm?!

Last weekend was one of my sisters-in-law’s 50^th birthday.  She and my MIL discussed that 50 is the new 30, 60 is the new 40, etc, when MIL said she didn’t look 50, (and she really doesn’t. It wasn’t a mother’s bias talking.) I can see that. Women, especially, are taking better care of themselves, and staying active for longer periods, eating healthier, and life expectancy is greater than it used to be a century ago.

But, that’s the outside, what about the inside? I’m just one year from 50, and I don’t feel 29. I get migraines when it rains, my knees hurt, my ankle is taking too long to heal, and forgetting why I entered a room is a daily thing, actually several times a day. My kids are taking advantage of my forgetfulness, and punishing them doesn’t work because I forget that I’ve grounded them!

And when I was 29 I could stay up until 4 am, get up at 6 am and still work a productive, full day. It seems with each half decade my bedtime moves back 2 hours. I’m now at 10p. We have a strict bedtime routine, not because it’s good for the kids, and they need to be rested for school, it’s for me! They have to be in bed by 9:30, so I can get in bed by 10. (9:30 may seem late for the 7 yo, but any earlier and he’s up at 4:30! At 9:30 he’ll sleep til 6.)

And it’s easier to gain weight. And harder to lose it. And I can’t find my waistline anymore. And I have bifocals. And . . . okay I need to stop whining, because I have gained patience, (although I have less tolerance for nonsense), compassion for others, more empathy, self-confidence, and hopefully more wisdom. Solomon is one of my biblical heroes because he longed for wisdom, and I have enough experience to value wisdom over beauty or money. And I’m wise enough to know that when I’m rested I’m less forgetful. So, in a few more years my bedtime will be 8p, and the kids will be putting me to bed!

A Dark Side of Motherhood

 For the last week I’ve ruminated on the sacrifices we make for our children . . . career, time, money, SLEEP, and our lives figuratively and literally. Can’t imagine doing it any other way. Can’t imagine anyone else doing it any other way?

Yesterday, I went to court for a hearing, as a CASA, where I witnessed a young mother giving up her child because she couldn’t conquer the demons that led to her drug addiction. She sacrificed her child for drugs. Shocking, yes, but also very, very common. The Juvenile Justice dockets are full of cases just like that one. Anyone who watches the news knows that not all mothers love and care for their children like we do. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s what I want to make my life’s work.

I am a trained Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) for GA, and will become a GAL in TN once I obtain a TN Bar license. Guardians Ad Litem advocate for the best interests of children in court. We are not “child attorneys” where the child is our client and the duty is to advocate for the client’s wishes. The difference is subtle, but significant and beyond the scope of this piece.

Many have said, “I couldn’t do that. It would be too sad.” It is sad, but my response is “SOMEONE has to look out for the children.”  It’s not only abuse and neglect cases that I will take, although they are the most common. Aside from assisting with paperwork, as a GAL is the only way I will participate in a divorce case. Think it’s shocking that parents sacrifice their children for drugs? I’m shocked at how many parents sacrifice their children to extract revenge on a spouse or co-parent. I assisted a few clients with divorces, child support and fielded some custody questions, and decided quickly, that I didn’t have the stomach for it. All full-service family law cases are referred to my fearless colleague Miechia Gulley, Esq.

I understand that sometimes divorce is necessary, especially when abuse is present, but when anger is front and center and eclipses all common sense is where my sympathy ends. It’s why many other lawyers are getting out of family law, and those that remain are so expensive.

Although many, in my closest social and professional circles, can’t imagine not thinking of the best interests of our children, too many of us don’t. Children get lost in the shuffle all around us, and we never have a clue. As a CASA, and a GAL I will help to fill in the gaps for some of those children. It is hard and it’s darn heartbreaking, but “SOMEONE has to look out for the children!”

The New Perfect

Just days after my last blog about finding the right balance as a mom, the latest issue of my favorite magazine arrived in the mail, (no, it’s not O!) Working Mother, and the November cover story (unfortunately, it's not on newsstands yet.) . . . the choices we make, a study on how we feel about the choices we make. Reading that article reminded me of the book Good Enough, the New Perfect, by Becky Beaupre Gillespie and Hollee Schwartz Temple, a book outlining their empirical study of working moms and how we feel about the choices we make. It's a hot topic!

While the WM study focuses on working moms and stay-at-home moms, Good Enough focuses on working, professional women with big degrees, big offices and big salaries. The primary difference being that many professional women have the luxury of choice, but what is surprisingly revealed by both studies is that the struggles to be a good mom, wife, employee, friend, business owner, etc. are the same, no matter the education, occupation or income level. We all carry the ever present, “mommy guilt.”

Just as I am liberated by living by my choices, and no one else’s, it’s validating to read that so many other mothers are struggling with the same issues and crafting strategies that work for their families, and no one else’s. My new favorite quote is "Don't let your inner voice be drowned out by other's opinions." Steve Jobs. There are so many voices and so many opinions, it's no wonder so many mothers are confused and frustrated. There is no "one size fits all."

 A traditional division of labor may be okay for my neighbor, but my family is not traditional so that solution will not work for us. My husband cooks and does laundry, and that is OKAY! That doesn't mean I'm not doing my job as a mother, it means it needs doing, I'm busy at the moment and he's not . . . no earth shattering social statement!

 It’s encouraging to see success stories of women who have crafted creative strategies that yield more satisfaction in their lives. Reading their stories can infuse you with the motivation needed to overcome your current obstacles. “If they can do it, so can I!” The success comes in doing what is best for your family, not necessarily the fancy job with the fancy office and fancy salary to afford the fancy nanny. 

Becky and Hollee have a website to continue the dialogue, and a Google search of Good Enough is the New Perfect, work/life balance, working mom, mompreneur, etc., will yield myriad websites and blogs filled with encouragement, motivation and validation for whatever your situation, be it as a  mompreneur, PT, FT, work at home, stay at home, you name it, SOMEONE OUT THERE has been there and can give some guidance.  We need to take it easy on ourselves, and know that we are Good Enough!

Gotta Take Care of the Kids!

Recently, I had to explain to my 7 yo son what is a CASA (Court –Appointed Special Advocate) and what they do (act as the voice of abuse and neglected children in Juvenile Court). He didn’t get it. The look on his face said “why would a parent not take care of their own child?” I finally changed the subject, and he moved on. A really, good question, and one that baffles many of us who feel we are taking proper care of our children.  But I challenge you to ask yourself “Am I taking care of my kids?” Most of us are not at risk of having DFCS insert themselves into our lives, but we still should periodically ask ourselves “Is what I’m doing REALLY for the best?”

That means different things to different people (obviously!), but what is not obvious is whether or not what we’re doing is the best thing. Since we’ve moved to Nashville and I’ve reverted back to being a stay-at-home mom, the kids have lots of memories they share, frequently accompanied by the phrase “Mom, that was when you weren’t around!” Gut punch! (Having a working mother works for a lot of women and a lot of families. This isn’t an attack on working mothers. It’s a reflection on how it worked/didn’t work for my family.)

An innocent phrase except for the frequency in which they use it, and the hint of pain in their voices. Reluctantly, I extracted more from the girls, 17 and 11. It all seemed to start when I started law school. I worked part-time and went to school at night, but free time was spent studying.  For the last two years of school, I worked full-time and there were days I didn’t see any of the children since I left before they arose, and come home after bedtime. I remember the stress and of missing a lot. My youngest was 13 months old and I don’t remember much about his toddler/preschool years. A big regret.

Prior to law school I was involved in every aspect of the children’s lives. I tried to continue with that pattern with disastrous results. After the first semester, I had to shift priorities and the family had to move down the priority list for a time. The girls speak of feeling lost, lonely and the family closeness disintegrating. I also remember turmoil stemming from my sudden departure from daily family life. Not many family trips, family meals, special functions or in general family times. Much, much lost time. But, nothing good comes without sacrifice, sometimes great sacrifice.

My two older children have sacrificed the most in that they were teenagers and needed Mom. Yes, Dad was there, and brings his own gifts and talents to the table, but being “Mom” isn’t one of them! But, I hope I can make up for that by easing their transition into adulthood with some of the perks and benefits that come from having a lawyer mom.

I’ve asked both girls which they would rather have “money and no mommy”, or “mommy and no money?” Both say a unanimous “mommy and no money.” Even with this I still think it was in our best interests for me to become a lawyer. When it does pay off, the takeaway lesson will be success comes with hard work and sacrifice.  You can preach at them, talk to them, send them to conferences, but it’s not going to stick until they live it and experience it.

I hope that when my success finally comes, they remember the sacrifices as necessary evils, and take that lesson forward; not fear pain and sacrifice in their own lives and push through to their goals. On the surface it may look like my leaving my family for a time was not for the best. And there will be some that will always judge me for that, but I’m at the age and stage of my life where I really don’t care. I care about my family, and how what I do and say affects them.

My oldest son, who is a freshman in college, has already benefitted, as we aren’t seeing “freshmanitis” in him. He is buckling down, as he knows good grades, and success takes effort and hard work. So far his grades are good, and he’s doing well on the football team.

We have another going to college next year and I pray she also takes those lessons to heart. And I believe she has, as she’s not allowing the usual high school drama distract her from her goal of going to dance school in New York.  Grades are good, too and NO BOYFRIEND!

It appears they haven’t been damaged, too much. But, looking deeper, I know they will come to fully understand that the sacrifice was worth it, and me taking the time to better myself and my future ensures a better future for them, and in the end, what I did was for the best. I am, was and will always “do what is best for my kids!”

If I’m Gonna be a Sandwich, I Wanna be a California Chicken Salad Sandwich!

Some time ago, during a discussion about caring for my parents I heard the term “sandwich generation,” used to describe those of us caring for aging parents and dependent children. California Chicken Salad is my favorite sandwich, with grapes, pecans, chunk white meat chicken, mayo, thyme, and other savory spices. Mmmmm. So, if I’m going to be a sandwich, a California Chicken Salad Sandwich is what I want to be.

Lean, savory, a little fruity, a little nutty, and very filling- to sustain through the long haul! Lean, to have the energy to run between the generations, and meet the demands of children who expect you to be there, because you always have, and parents who expect you to be there because you always were. Savory, which also means pleasant and edifying, to remind myself that although I am an adult, and have been for quite a while, I’m biblically mandated to “honor my parents,” even when the aging process changes who they are, and who you remember them to be. Illness can do terrible things to the mind.

The fruity and nutty part gives me the ability to see the humor in any situation, and when I say ANY, I mean ANY situation. Of course, most of those things are meant to remain among family, but I’m sure many of you know what I mean. If I don’t laugh I will cry, and I don’t have time to cry. So, I fill myself with chicken and the love of God, and keep moving. I’m not in denial, I’m not stuffing it, or eating away my pain. (I’m overweight because I like food, I don’t exercise enough, and I’m approaching 50!) 

This is hard, and I knew that going into it, but it is what it is, and I am who I am. I couldn’t sleep at night if I didn’t do all I knew I could to remedy a bad situation. It’s how God made me, and my father raised me. It’s like this for many of us in the 21^st century, people are living longer, and we waited later to have children so everything is reaching a peak at the same time!  Something has to give and it’s usually me, but to remedy that I’m doing it my way. And at almost 50, the California Chicken Salad Sandwich way is it! I’m not quite as lean, more savory, I hope, and a little fruitier and nuttier than I used to be, and therefore, filled with “gumption” and the courage to be as unorthodox as necessary to get the job done.

 My mission, as a lawyer mom, is taking shape. I have the time and energy now to focus since I’m pulled in only 5 directions, instead of 10! A.G. Thompson Law, LLC, “The Family Practice,” has a primary focus of the building and maintenance of the family, and the protection of children, through adoption, estate planning, and providing legal services as a Guardian Ad Litem.  My practice will be a family building practice. (I will participate in divorce actions only as a Guardian Ad Litem, to look out for the best interests of children. I don’t have the patience for the rest of it.) My official website launch is just weeks away!  (The one you see if you Google my firm name is not the official site.) It is truly a 21^st century law firm, as it is primarily web-based for my convenience and those other “sandwiches” who don’t have time to visit a lawyer’s office.  And with that I CAN have it all as a mother, daughter, wife and lawyer, and will be an official card-carrying member of the Club “Sandwich.”

On Being Noble

I was called “noble” this week, and it wasn’t because I’m a member of the “noble profession.”  It was because, my husband and I are moving back to Nashville, TN to care for our aging mothers. “Really?!” Was my response. It was an electronic communication, and I hope I didn’t seem rude and ungracious when she offered the compliment, but, I was taken aback, and shocked at being given praise for caring for my parents.  Although, I totally understood where she was coming from, it just stuck me as very sad.  Sad, because taking care of people who brought me into this world and sacrificed, for me, is considered noble.

Yes, children neglect their parents . . . a lot. Healthcare workers see it all the time. Especially those in nursing homes, and Elder Care attorneys see it a lot, too.  Elder abuse is rampant these days, and many of the perpetrators are family. It happens. I’ve witnessed it as a healthcare worker, and as a law student and an attorney . . . but still . . . to get praise for caring for my parents just seems counterintuitive!

Why are we moving our entire family, and leaving a life we’ve built for more than 20 years in GA?  Leaving all our children have ever known? Because it’s Mom!  Some will get that without explanation. Some won’t.  For some that don’t get it, it will be for lack of the warm fuzzies associated with mom.  I get that, too. As a CASA and Guardian Ad Litem Intern, I saw how horrific some mothers treat their children.  It’s not likely many of those children will do what my husband and I are doing. But still. I feel undeserving of praise for doing what I should do, for doing the right thing.

I know it’s the right thing to do because so many things are falling into place. A house is immediately available, both mothers needs have come to mini-crisis points simultaneously, I can stay home and care for everyone, and work on building the practice (web-based), and the most significant ---my husband and I agreed to make the move, in a single conversation, without debate! (Imagine that!)

Telling the children was horrible—at first—lots of tears and wailing!--- then, after they saw the benefits of being with Gran Gran, and Granma in the family holiday hub, seeing cousins, and aunts and uncles more often, and going to “public school,” they are fully on board.  My oldest daughter will graduate from her father’s alma mater. They all think that’s pretty cool. And they know the grandmothers need help. They totally understood, because that’s what “we” do. We take care of family.

Although, when I tease about early Alzheimer’s setting in, and one of them will have to take care of me, the two oldest are the first to say, “Not it!”   I’m certain, one of four will care for me. Almost certain . . .  fairly certain.  Surely, one of them will.  Lord, help me!

The Seeds of An Estate Planning Practice

The first Community Legal Seminar, Miechia Gulley, Esq of the Gulley Law Group was held Saturday, July 9, at the Library in Winder, GA.  We asked for RSVP’s and received none. I placed a press release in the local papers, in print and electronically.  The electronic announcement received about 40 views.  Still, we hadn’t received any calls or notifications that we would have any attendees.  We weren’t sure if anyone was coming. But, we continued to prepare and showed up.

Ultimately, we had four attendees. Two came in the morning and two more halfway through.  We weren’t sure how we were received. It seemed to go well, and everyone left apparently satisfied with our program, but since they weren’t clients, yet, and we didn’t know if we would see or hear from any of them again, we just weren’t sure.  Well, it didn’t take long. Sunday afternoon, I got an email AND a phone call. It was then that we realized just how well received we were.  One member of our audience belongs to an organization that provides continuing education classes to older citizens. She passed our names on to the curriculum director, who has extended an invitation to be included in their Spring schedule! OMGoodness! 

Small turnout, big ripple effect.  I’m in the process of drafting a class outline to submit.  And planning more seminars.  I’ve heard seminars are very effective marketing tools.  I’m inclined to agree.